Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
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