Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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