Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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