i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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