Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
