In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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