Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Randomize
