i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
