So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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