i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
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