it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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