you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
