I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
