I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
