You kept calling me your small dog last night.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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