We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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