he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
