Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Randomize
