Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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