Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
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