my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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