Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
