my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
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