ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
