I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
