Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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