he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
