i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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