marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
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