There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Randomize
