Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
