dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
