My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Is that strawberry winking at me??
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
