im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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