I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
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