If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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