Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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