dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
The air taste purple.
Randomize
