So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
