I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
We have started to decorate penises.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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