i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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