I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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