You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Randomize
