my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
