I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
