So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
