party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
I checked into jail on foursquare
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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