This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Randomize
