It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
