My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
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