Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
