wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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