I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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